I had an abortion. Not a pleasant experience in many ways and not something I wanted to experience. It is not something anyone wants to experience. In many ways it is not easy to talk about openly since it is not something people generally share. It is still very much taboo even though it is perfectly legal where I am and has been for a long time.
Since the abortion I am left with the ever pressing questions of what if I had chosen to have the baby after all? After all I have been wishing for another child for years. How could I choose to not have that child now that I was pregnant? The truth is I will never know what would have happened if I had chosen otherwise. And the truth is I was overwhelmed with doubts and fears so much so that it completely killed my initial happiness about being pregnant. I did not know I could feel so sad and so terrified about something I had wanted for such a long time.
I felt such overwhelming emotional distress about the prospect of having to take care of two children completely on my own and such fear of not being able to do it that I chose not to go through with the pregnancy. I felt like a complete failure for having those fears. I felt scared and alone and wanting to be held or have someone else take care of my situation. But I was the only one there to take care of my situation and to make a decision. One of my friends once said to me she thought it would be impossible to have an abortion if you already had a child because you would know all the things that you would miss out on. And I absolutely knew what she meant. However, I have a child, a wonderful beautiful daughter that I love so much and still I could choose to not have this child I was expecting. Because I was afraid I was not going to able to be enough for my daughter and this new little one. I was afraid I was not going to be able to give them all I wanted to give them.
And there was the egotistical concern for myself that suddenly overwhelmed me: when am I going to be able to do something for me? Am I ever going to experience true love? Who would want an unschooling mother with two children one of them a tiny infant? I felt helpless, alone and scared and suddenly I did not feel any happiness about having this new little baby. I only felt hopelessness. I clearly saw that I would not be able to have another child at the time. And I chose not to.
I am not religious and I don’t think it is wrong to have an abortion. I don’t mourn the loss of a child since there never was a child there was only an embryo. I mourn my own inability to have this child. My insecurities, my inadequacies, I mourn my own fear and my doubt in myself. I mourn that I was not strong enough to give my daughter the sibling she so longs for. And I mourn not ever being able to meet the child I could have had. I mourn feeling so helpless and insignificant. I mourn my own egotistical need to be more than a mother.
It is a sorrow that I will carry with me for a long time, maybe forever. Maybe I will never forgive myself. Maybe I will always wonder what could have been. Maybe I will feel good about my choice in a little while. Only time will tell.
But I still believe in choices. I believe in following your gut feeling. Doing what feels right and what seems best at the time. My thoughts and feelings go out to the women who have had to make this kind of decision. It may be very difficult or it may be a great relieve. Either way you are strong. And it is always your choice ultimately.
I didn’t know where to go with my feelings and thoughts about this so I chose to put them here, on the web, for noone to see. Or someone. Or everyone.